And this Tom Tapster said, “And what's the pleasure of Master William Kempe and his noble friends this night? Strong drink and a maid's company if she be not too nice, I'll warrant!”
To which Will said, “Thou artless, beef-witted apple-squire, ere I dally, or if at all, I'll sup, for I'm famished near death, and needs must fash meat if I'll not perish aforehand. And mark you, mark your stick for these gallant nobles, whose guests I and my gloom-faced comrade be!” Which was a gleek against Tom Tapster, because apple-squire is a boy who bawds for kurveh whores. Which this tapster took a fresh stick to notch to count our reckoning, and our gallants patted their purses to show they'd pay all for us, which made me glad again, not so sorry I accompanied on a carouse this once.
Which we then eat and drink, our dinner. From the big kitchen cook-house from The Cardinal's Hat came all kinds meats for us, beef and hard cheese and strong beer we had, and a pie from larks and venison, and saltfish and chewits from chopped boar, and a mutton pottage and herrings, and part from a sturgeon fish the head and tail was cut off from, and oysters and whelks, and suger sops and a suet pudding, so much I never ate before or since I think for my dinner, all which the tapster's wenches wearing only shifts brought from the kitchen cook-house, all on trencher bread you could eat also or leave to give to any poor came to beg food, which I don't think in Southwark any did, but went across the Thames to beg such at cook-houses there.
So we eat, which it was good, and good strong beer we had, more than it was my usual to drink, me and my Will and our carpet knight gallants, and the link boy Will called whey-face, and told him he was so fair he could play a fine lady on the stage in a play if he could learn to say words written, and mime the speaking and walk of a quality woman, which the boy said he didn't know from inside theaters, he just lighted the way for playgoers, he never went in, and he didn't also know to read no writing. Which Will told him then he was no better than a urchin-snouted giglet, which our gallants laughed, but I didn't.
When this tapster asked me did I want to eat some eels, which I didn't, my Will made a big gleek from me which he did all the rest of the time of this night's carouse, with the kurveh whose name was Crazy Jane, which I'll tell later. Because this Tom Tapster said to me, “An' will you eat an eel fresh from the river only yesterday morn?” I said to him, “I don't eat no eel because a eel is too like a snake, which also I wouldn't eat.” To which this tapster, who was a bawd, because his Cardinal's Hat was a brothel stew, not a true inn or tippling-house tavern, said to me, “An' you speak passing strange, friend. Wherefrom come ye to London? You're no Irish and no Scot, I think me, for I know both Irish and Scots, and none speak like ye.” To which Will made his gleek sally.
He said to this tapster, “This be none other than Master Pincus Perlmutter, a merry enough rogue, but comes a far way from a land called Japan, or mayhap Cathay if not Japan, or mayhap Afrique's shores if not one or 'tother, I know not, for he'll not say, for he's a sly rogue if a merry one eke.”
“Why then,” says this tapster, “will ye say me something in your Japan or Cathay or Afrique tongue?” Which made all laugh except the link boy, who didn't know from what we was doing, possibly because the strong beer he drank was already making him half-fap, so he couldn't laugh from this gleek Will was making from where I came from.
“No,” I said, “I don't speak any my country's tongue here in England.”
To which Will said, “Nay, Master Perlmutter, but speak him a few kind words, for he's a good fellow means us well, though he's but a fool-born hedge-pig like us all!”
“Please, good sir,” said this tapster bawd, “but a few words will delight, for I've n'er heard the tongue of Japan or Cathay nor Afrique ere now!”
So I said to him, “Grauber gonif,” which is my tongue for thieving indecent rogue. Which Will Kempe knew, these words from my tongue, but the gallants didn't, nor our link boy who looked at me fearful, like I said a witchcraft spell on him, but the gallants laughed because Will did.
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